Bittersweet Farewells

Oh, the feelings of excitement and sadness.

You know when you get to know somebody, you take in the fullness of who they are, how hilarious and charismatic they are.
How lovely and fun they are.
Knowing also how fleeting and quickly fading the relationship would be?

Knowing very well they are only in your life for a limited amount of time.
And slowly but surely you count the minutes away, as if it’s trying to catch sand in your hands.
Quickly fading.
Do you close up inside?
Or do you open more giving them an opportunity to know you well before they go? 

Oh the sadness of goodbyes.

Of farewells of amazing new people you know in transition. 
The transient life of travelers, exchange students, and part time jobs, placing people in your life for a limited amount of time.
Long enough to get to know, have amazing memorable experiences, and do life with many months. 

But short enough to feel the pains of closeness then letting go.
Of letting them go back into their world 
Or their new world
Oh the sadness of goodbyes.

What a bittersweet side of life. 

So ever fleeting.



Thoughts, thoughts, thoughts.

The stream never ends.

Like an overflowing rush of water,
Over all the rocks and sharpness.
Flowing, gushing, overpowering 
No power, no control
The anxiety and fear.

The yelling and screaming of my family.
Every night,
I can’t sleep.
I need to protect them,
I need to protect myself.
What will they do to me? 
Will they know where it hurts?
They always know where it hurts.
And they stab anyway.
Oh mind, can you have rest?

I think not.

(A Letter to Him)

To make me feel unbeautiful.
So unworthy.
So unworthy of your time and affection. 
Or even undivided attention.
So much of our time spent.
And I feel at a loss. 
I feel as if I had lost.
Lost my love, my trust, my ability to hope.
I feel as if I had lost. 
My sense of self, my worth, my value.
As a woman, as a girl, as a dear friend.
I had lost. 
To someone else better,
Someone more qualified.
Someone more sensual and artistic.
I had lost to someone you chose 
In the midst of our pain and trials 
In our love story 
You left and chose her. 
Oh the pain, the humiliation, the trials of holding onto confidence.
Oh what is a shattered heart? 
What is a stabbed soul? 
Internally bleeding, unable to stop.
From the pain of unworthiness, of unbeautifulness, 
From being chosen over as a woman
As a lover
As a friend.
I was unworthy. 
Sometimes, I am reminded of this pain.
Actually I am often reminded of this pain.
Every man triggering this incredible fear of abadonment, fake care and attention,
Every man triggering anxiety as if it’s all a lie.
And I am eternally unworthy.
Unworthy of love, affection, care, companionship, undivided attention.
Oh the wounds of the soul
They take a lifetime to heal. 

For once, I want to know my worth. 


What is hope? 
Is it a lack of fear?
A lack of looking into the dark foreseeable futile future?
Is it nativity? 
Is hope blind?
Is hope merely a facade? 
Masking as truth? 
Is hope merely a thought?
Lost in the mystery of turmoil and pain, but a thought?
A thought that stands above other thoughts
The one that shine and says, “yes there is a reason, yes there is a way, yes you can”
Is it a thought that says despite what has happened, “there’s more to life than this”
Is it just a thought? Lost in the muck of others? 
Or is hope real? 
Is hope given to man to give purpose again?
Is hope merely a thought, or is it a force, a powerful strong reviving force that comes from the heavens above, that seeks to revive a helpless soul. Recessatation?
Is hope a gift? 
Or is it something inherent to us?
Humans all have toiled, and all have had to a glimmer of hope.
A hope of a future.
A hope of a dream.
A hope of a longing of the unsatisfied heart that says, “yes it’s out there somewhere and I have yet to taste it” 
“I’ve heard of it and I’ve seen it, but I want it. I want it too.”
Is hope faith? 
The assurance of what is unseen to be seen?
The assurance of the coming of a purpose to pass? 
A confidence in the unseen? A projection into the future? Perhaps, a brighter future?

Yeah we don’t have to have it all together
We do need hope,
Just a glimmer
To keep us going,
To keep us moving,
To keep us reaching ,
Until we taste that which we have seen in our minds
And the glory of the heavens resound
The safety and soundness surrounding us
The warmth of love securing us.

That my friend is hope. 
What is hope? 
Hope is fighting. Fighting for another day.


I don’t want to be here.
The thoughts in my mind are too much for me to handle.
I hear yelling.
Blame, blame, blame.
Hate and rage.
It’s all because of me.
I can’t stand myself.
The self-hatred, self-loathing.
How does one make it stop? 
Even if this person goes away, another comes to take her place.
It continues, spiraling out of control
Until this becomes the norm. 
Screaming, hurting, spurring into flames
Unfiltered, relentless, full of rage, there are no rules.
Who can I trust? 
I can’t stand it anymore.
Everything feels futile.
Please, I don’t want to be here.

I cannot stand on my own,
I am afraid. 
I cannot stand on my own,
The weight is to heavy to bear.
The pain too horrendous
Too paralyzing
Too much.
I cannot stand on my own, Lord
I am but an helpless infant
Weak and alone
Unable to articulate my thoughts and feelings
The words too heavy
The attacks too sporadic 
I’m afraid in my own mind
There is no security or help
War torn walls, destructed fortresses
Ruins, this city has come to ruins
Unresolved fears 
Unresolved confusion
I cannot stand on my own.
Do you care?


“What the fuck is your problem?
What the fuck is your deal you little cunt?!” She screamed to her sister in the driver’s seat. 
“You selfish piece of shit, I fucking hate you!!”
Shock, silence, and quick thinking.
“What the fuck is wrong with you?!?” she screamed again.
The sensitive girl did not say much back. Too many things were being felt at once. The idiocies of her mistake, the fear that she was incredibly wrong and selfish, the confusion of what her friends just said and what this blood-related sister was screaming. The sense of humiliation yet the feelings of familiarity like she should’ve known this is what she deserved. She wasn’t allowed to have time for herself. Her sense-of-self was supposed be beat down. It did not belong to her. She would cling onto nothing else except these words being screamed at her. This was all very familiar. This large dark sometimes-violent malicious deeply-black rageful thing taking form and screaming at her. 
“You are a motherfucking piece of shit. I hate you!! You’re the worst sister in the world, you selfish bitch. You think you’re a good little Christian huh? You fucking selfish bitch. Fuck you.” she finished. 
Hatred and darkness surrounded the girl in the driver’s seat. All she could feel was the rage and attacks. She didn’t know she was feeling unsafe, but she was. She thought quickly. Self-analysis. “What did I do?! What did I do?!” More self-analysis. More reflection. Criticizing voices all around her. Her sensitivities heightened. Senses raised. Everything seemed to shake at her, scream in her ear about her failures and remind her to quickly analyze what she could’ve done so bad to cause such anger and hatred towards her. “The ride. Be on time. I pissed her off cus I didn’t pick her up on time. Next time I need to be on time. I need to do what she says. It’s not okay to spend time with friends if she needs me. I can’t do that. It’s my fault she’s mad. I am selfish. I’m a bad sister. I caused her anger and harm. I am really selfish. Be on time. I should be ashamed of myself. Don’t spend time with friends. I can’t do that anymore it’s selfish,” she said to herself. She needed to prove to her sister that she wasn’t. 
She was scared.