The beauty of grief.

The beauty of grief.

All the pent up emotions.. All the disappointment and pain. All the things swept under the rug. All the things told to be left untouched and moved on from.

Coming like a ton of bricks.

Like an on-coming train heading straight for you, and you’re too wide-eyed to move. Crashing into you, rushing into you.

Oh the memories. Oh the terrors. Oh the deeply scary emotions of death. Near death. Brokenness. Trust trampled on. 

Oh the pain. Oh the unspeakable feelings that can’t be explained, only felt. 

Only grieved. Fully and fully. Feeling all of it, the tears falling down. Tumbling down. Can’t stop the breathing the trembling and quick breathing. Can’t stop the tears. Like when a rainstorm soaks and tears. Oh from the depths of my soul it comes forth.

I ask God why. Why? How come? Why me? Confusion anger hurt anger disappointment anger.

But after these deeply felt moments, I feel free for a second. Lighter. The burden has lifted. I’ve dealt with that moment of suppressed pain. 

Onto the next. 


What is Reality?

What you’ve known all your life to be true? Backed up by evidence and words and yelling and screaming and establishments?


Or what new people around you tell you and the ghosts of your past say they were wrong and apologize for all those years of lies?

What is the truth and what is reality?

The Friend.

I swear he was the one for me. The one who looked into my eyes and saw my soul. The one who knew I wasn’t okay even when I said I did. The one who cared for me deeply and protectively. The one who fought for my destiny and future. The one who fought for my clarity and inner healing. Who cared for my deepest wounds. Who made sure to be a constant part of my life in highs and lows. Who made time for me when others wanted to be with him. Who made effort to get to know my thoughts and feelings through the many defensive layers I had. Who loved me deeply and unashamedly. 

He who loved me with a fierce steadfast honoring love. Who did not dare to disrespect me or want to hurt me. But loved my soul. Loved me for my everything. Accepted my pain and circumstances, and yet still fought for my freedom. Who prayed for me and my well-being. Who invited me to the river and walks and concerts. Who unknowingly romanced me to fall in love with a young rugged carefree homegrown authentically sweet man. And who said he loved me. Oh I miss these feelings. The protection and sweet love. The consideration.

He who considered my feelings and loved me well. Who apologized generously for his mistakes. Who reflected on the man he was and was trying to be. Who reflected on his actions and his lifestyle. Who loved others with thoughtfulness and kindness. With care and understanding. With the patience to see things through. 


My dear friend I miss you. I did not know what I had then that I know now. Sorry for my mistakes and pain. I loved you with a deep special strong connecting love. I still love you dearly, but I must let you go. Thank you for seeing me when no one else saw me. Thank you for caring for me when no one else cared for me. Through the thick and thin you’ve been amazing. 

Was I Not

Was I just not worth the little bit of effort?
Was I just not worth the attention? 
The intentionality? 
Was I just not worth that little temptation that weekend? 
Was I not worth waiting for? 
Fighting for? 
Losing your dignity for? 
Cus I lost my worth and dignity in you. And you walked away without a fight. 
Was I not worth the extra effort of laying yourself down to come clean and apologize and make up for what you’ve done? 
How could you. 
Was I not attractive enough for you? 
Not good enough or beautiful or sexy or artistically gifted enough for you like your ex was?
Was I not enticing enough that you would run back to your former lover and hate me with your betrayal?
And take away my worth as a girl. As a friend. As a lover. 
How could you!
How could you? 
What was so wrong with me you chose her over me? In your heart and mind multiple times. In your pants just once.

I was loyal. You were not. I was hurt. You were not. 
After all the things we went through. The love we vowed and experienced.
You gave it up when things got rough. And you never apologized. For ruining something so good and horrible. For losing me. You never apologized for what you did. You couldn’t even talk to me. How could you just drop me like that with no fight, no effort, no energy, no public or private attempt from friends, nothing. You showed me I wasn’t worth your time and it meant nothing to you all those years and trials and intimacy. 
You made my heart rot after you kicked it around with your lies and your infidelity. Your adultery.
How could you. 
You were my first love. 
And I will never forget what we had and lost. 

Tattered Pieces

When you feel as if the tattered pieces of your heart are fluttered, stuck and thrown apart from the ones you’ve spent the last of your emotional blood on.

Why are all the pieces of our hearts not whole? 
As in, how did he carry parts of my heart? As we shared intimate moments and given each other our hearts and minds and emotions, how can we get that back? 

After all the tears and pieces.. The rips and burns.. How can we piece it back together? 
Tattered pieces of my heart.
Oh where can I get healing? 
Where can I be whole again? 
Why bother opening up to be one with someone who’s gonna pull it apart painfully again?
It’s not worth the cost, 
It’s not worth the pain. 

Oh the tattered pieces of my heart are blackened, shriveled, burnt, dry. 
Tattering away at the movements of the wind. Life, taking its course on me. 
Little bits and residue flying away.
Burning dark blackness in my soul. 

Rotten black.
How can this live again?
How can this hope again?

In the Eyes

When you look up from what you were doing and you see an older impoverished but dignified man whom you just met staring into your eyes, with words that seem to say “I see you, I really see you.”

And that seeing is a safe affectionate seeing.

The depth of care and safety, it’s so strongly seen in the eyes of a man.

Depth in the eyes. 


My mind wanders and is looking for rest to and fro. But every area of my mind seems to want to attack me when I have peace. It seems to jump up to me and with its claws tell me “remember when you were worthless and talked shit about constantly? that’s right it’s happening but on a larger scale, especially with those closest to you. you shitty person. you don’t deserve any peace. look at what you’ve done.”

My mind is aimless and restless. Afraid to lay down and sleep. No place to find comfort. No place to find security.